Christmas can be a stressful time of year for anyone. For people who are going through or have gone through a separation, it can be doubly hard. It is often the case that a couple with children may have decided between themselves to separate earlier in the year, but to stay together until after Christmas in the hope that it will make things easier for the children.
Whether you are separating or already separated, here are some of my tips for separating couples:
1. Keep the Children’s Best Interests at Heart
Try to ask yourself at all times, “what is in the children’s best interests?” If you can keep this question at the forefront of your mind before you do or say anything, you can almost guarantee that your actions and comments will be the right ones.
For example, if you don’t feel comfortable spending large amounts of time with your ex-partner and find yourself in an argument about who is going to take the children to see Santa, ask yourself this question again. The bottom line is that you both want your children to experience the excitement of visiting Santa. Does it really matter which parent takes them?
Maybe you could agree that one parent takes them this year and the other parent next year. Or perhaps they are very lucky and get to visit Santa twice — once with each parent! If you can reach an agreement like this, the children will benefit, which in my experience is what all parents truly want.
2. Make a Plan
Try to take time with your ex-partner to sit down and work out where everyone will be for the holidays. If you are still living in the same house, it might be helpful to set specific days or times where one parent looks after the children and the other parent takes time for themselves.
3. Agree to Keep Things Civil in Front of the Children
While there may be some level of animosity, bitterness, or just plain annoyance between you, if you can agree to make your best effort not to show this in front of the children, it will be hugely beneficial for them — especially during the holidays.
4. Don’t Involve the Children in Decisions
Unless your children are older, they should not be burdened with the weight of deciding which parent they spend Christmas with. Young children can experience anxiety and emotional distress when their parents, even unintentionally, put them in a loyalty bind.
Children should not be placed in a position where they fear hurting one parent’s feelings by choosing between them. Even if your child expresses a wish to be in one place or another, don’t make any promises. Simply say that you’ll talk to mum or dad and make a plan together before letting them know what has been agreed.
5. Agree on Christmas Presents Early
Agree in advance on Christmas presents — what will be bought, how they’ll be paid for, and how to avoid duplication. If one parent has always done the Christmas shopping, can that continue, with the costs divided?
If the children are older, they could make a list of what they’d like, and that list could be divided between you. Even if communication between you and your ex-partner is limited, could this be an opportunity to offer an olive branch, especially at this time of year?
Maybe you know the other parent is under pressure at work and you could offer to do the shopping. Perhaps you earn significantly more and could offer to pay for a joint present for your children — either from Santa or from both of you together. Imagine how your child might feel knowing that, while mum and dad don’t get along very well anymore, they’ve made an effort to make Christmas special for their sake.
Again, ask yourself — what’s in the children’s best interest? Gestures like this at Christmas, however big or small, often go a long way toward ensuring easier communication for the rest of the year.
Happy Holidays
Maria O’Donovan is an experienced family lawyer and Principal Solicitor at Maria O’Donovan & Co. Solicitors.
