When couples separate, whether they have been married or not, deciding on appropriate arrangements for the children of the relationship can be a source of serious friction between the parties.
Naturally, a separation will usually leave one of the parties unhappy with the decision. Couples separate for a variety of reasons, and most of these reasons can leave one or both people feeling upset, angry, bitter, resentful, and all of the other emotions that go with it. These emotions often make it difficult, if not impossible, for the couple to communicate clearly with each other.
When emotions are running high, even reasonable comments can be taken in a different light to what was intended. The natural response to a perceived slight is to react in a similar way. This creates a vicious circle where no one is saying what they mean — or meaning what they say.
When Children Are Involved
If there are no children involved, a couple who separate will generally go their separate ways and never have to speak to each other again if they don’t wish to. However, when children are part of the equation, and emotions are still raw, reaching agreement on parenting arrangements and access can become extremely challenging.
Sometimes, even small things can become enormous points of contention — things that were once part of everyday life. For example, a child having dinner later than usual because of a sports activity may suddenly turn into an issue that results in lengthy and expensive solicitor correspondence.
Options for Separated Couples
So what are the options available to a separated couple who are struggling to communicate?
Putting aside the issue of non-communication for a moment, their options are generally to:
- Reach an agreement between themselves on access and other arrangements;
- Engage a third party such as a mediator or solicitor to help them reach an agreement;
- Make an application to court.
Option A: Reaching an Agreement
This is clearly the cheapest and easiest option, but it requires a high level of good communication and trust. If you and your ex-partner can sit down and talk, communicate regularly, and trust each other on issues such as birthdays, illnesses, and parenting matters, then this is the best option for you.
Option B: Professional Assistance
This option comes at a cost, but if you cannot sit down and talk with your ex-partner, or if you simply need independent, objective advice on what might suit your family best, then professional assistance can be money well spent. A solicitor or mediator can help guide both parties toward a practical agreement.
Option C: Court Application
This is, in most cases, a last resort. While court applications can sometimes be resolved by agreement, the process itself can strain communication further — especially if an application is made without prior discussion.
In certain cases, however, it may be necessary to make an application without notice in the best interests of the child or children. If agreement still cannot be reached, the judge will make an order that one or both parties may not be happy with. By giving the decision-making power to a judge, you lose control over the final outcome.
Why Communication Matters
In my experience, the greater the communication between a separated couple, the easier the separation will be — particularly where young children are involved. A couple will need to continue their relationship, in a different format, until their children are old enough and mature enough to look after themselves.
The effects of poor communication can be long-lasting. It may impact the children’s own relationships in the future, cause them to take sides as teenagers, or lead them to play one parent against the other if they see division.
Final Thoughts
Communication is key to ensuring that parenting and access arrangements run smoothly after a separation. By maintaining a respectful dialogue — directly or through professional support — parents can help minimise conflict and create a more stable environment for their children.
Maria O’Donovan is Principal Solicitor at Maria O’Donovan & Co. Solicitors, specialising in family and mediation law.
